How many days of Xanga? Who knows...in fact, at this juncture I dont believe that the number matters anymore. Xanga and I are like two awkward old friends who meet up on the street one day years later and really have nothing to say to each other. However--the meaning for this blog is perhaps the first genuine purpose I've had for writing one for a long time. And, like always, this blog is mostly about blogging. I blog on Myspace now. It's no surprise. Even there, on Myspace, my writing suffers. I'm a constant victim of my own self-doubt. This isn't self pity; it's a fact. It's a fact because lately I've begun a Myspace blog that was to be an exploration into the history of Kenton S. Lime's blogging patterns and habits. Well, of course, research involved lengthy scans through every blog ever written. Were there any profound discoveries uncovered revealing trends and motives for blogs? Well--maybe. But that's not important. However, what is important is this: I've blogged a lot. I've not always been good at it, but occasionally I'm able to write something funny, profound, or entertaining. Granted; it's difficult reading my writing--now, couple years detatched from where I was when I origonally wrote some of those earlier blogs, I've realized how older I am. There was a time when I felt constantly ashamed of what I wrote--sometimes while I was writing it. I would apologize at nausium to the reader for how terrible a blog it was. Which, in and of itself has some amount of entertainment value for me. Perhaps it's my sense of humor that doesn't translate very well given the blog medium; "tone" is lost in writing unless carefully crafted, and sometimes I was able to achieve it. Mostly, however, I come across as a whiny, depressed little lonely scared bitch. Now, let's not be too hard on me now. After all, very little has changed. But I've found one major difference between the blogs I used to write here and the blogs I write on Myspace. MyMySpace blogs are very unpersonal; that is--they reveal very little. They're annicdotes(?), thoughts, ideas, segments of life, trailors and teasers for the full length feature Keaton S. Ziem. However--my Xanga blogs; however innept they may be for any number of reasons, at least were always genuine, sincere, and always full of every little concern or emotion I was feeling in my life. And reading over the past couple years in the matter of an evening, I've come to find that it has been a roller coaster ride, and that truly I have experienced and felt much in my recently remembered life. What amazes me further is that I allowed myself to be read in those vulnerable states of mind. Perhaps, like I mentioned above, some of the emotion doesn't translate through blogging--but some of those blogs were written during times of great strife and turmoil. I wouldn't dare do anything so brave or exposing nowadays; and certainly not on Myspace. I've become so much more private--and perhaps the constantly growing doubt over months and days and weeks of blogging has contributed a great deal towards that. However, I've traded that honesty for something else. I no longer generally suffer from the once greatly feared and challenging trials of "The Big Silence", as it was referred to many times in past blogs. I no longer strain to find the right words--I speak my mind more throughout my day instead of bottling it up at the end for a blog. Hand-in-hand with that, I feel like I've become less bitter, more accepting, and hopefully a friendlier and happier person. Not that I was without joy in blogs past. There are very touching moments of personal triumph I've documented in the previous pages of onions79's annalects of life. And, having said that, my life now is certainly a far cry from being exhempt of woe. In fact, my life as it is now, is one of the most challenging portions of my life to date--if not the. However, reading myself, I've learned from myself; and admired myself for who I was years ago. Certainly if I did it once and stood on my own two feet again until today, then reason would argue that I could do it again--and perhaps even tested further? I was so self conscious back then. Now I wish I could talk to me, and tell me not to be so apologetic. This reciprocated once again recently while touring Flagstaff. I met someone new--a friend I didn't know before who was also a gemini. A female gemini, but noticably still suffering from some of the same handicaps that come so easily to me. It was so surreal--to watch someone else say things that come from my own mouth. I'm not an astrological apostle, but I can acknowledge a few things about it. She reminded me of me--a younger me, since she was a few years younger than me now. And you can't say I didn't try to talk to me, and tell me not to be so apologetic. So defeatest and grim. However, the experience taught me something about how much I have changed--and not even changed so much as adapted my point of view. The philosophies I carry with me every day now are developments of very trying questions I was pondering in some of those early blogs right here on this very web-page. I hope that maybe someday she'll acquire the same taste for balancing the grim defeatest self-loathing with bright optimistic egotism as I have. As far as my life is cocnerned, however--Zaki Gordon is going. Slowly but surely we're working on our collective two week project that invovles the shooting of a 16 page script I co-wrote with a classmate. I'm proud of the work I did--and I'm proud of the work the class is doing, but it would be a lie to say that the project hasn't been terribly exhausting and difficult. It is also my job, now that my writing job is completed, to get with the other writer and conjure interview questions for the entire crew (A.K.A. my classmates). The questions are sometimes serious, and sometimes outlandishly rediculous inspiring some of the most touchingly hilarious moments I dont dare describe at length here, but some of them drastically put the reality of our school into perspective. A question we have asked each one of the students so far has been: "How many hours of sleep would you say you've gotten in the past week?" At this juncture I would gather that the average has been 2-3 hours of sleep a night. I look like a troll most hours of the day (and night). But--during my trip down memory lane the past few evenings, browsing my xanga-page, it became quickly apparent how long I have been talking about "Zacki Gordon", and how long I've wanted to go, and how many thoughts I've had about it. Sometimes, amid all the chaos of being a student there now, it's easy to forget how badly I wanted to do this for so long. It's easy to forget. As tiring as it has been working on this two week project, I will say that spending 18-19 hours on set every day develops a very close relationships with you're classmates very quickly. Even actors (yeah, I remember them--seems so long ago). I've grown to know some very cool friends; learned many great things; and laughed many times. It's still been some time since I've cried. In fact--I think it's been longer than I've had this blog, which is even more daunting to imagine for me now. My money situation is suffering still--my car is in need of maintanence, but still running well--my body is in need of rest and relaxation as much as my mind requires it--and even now I find that I should be writing on Xanga more often. But despite all these things, I'm still doing great--still loving it all--and still kicking ass. They are all coming to learn the name "Keaton S. Ziem", as I'm sure you all knew they would. I'm the only one who seems to doubt me; I can learn from that. One final note; I should return to Xanga. Myspace is good for some more "professional", "serious" writing; I suppose. However, I have found this past weekend that it could never compare to the time, emotion, and history I've spent here on Xanga. Somehow, throughout all my blogs attempting self-discovery, I inadvertantly found myself. | 
